mardi 25 février 2014

I said "I'll love you forever", he replied "I believe that"

Love hurts. I don't know if that's the case for everyone but it is for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, which doesn't seem that long when you think about it. But two years are definitely long enough to make you fall in love deeply with someone and I do love him profoundly and devotedly. Now, I have no doubt that he loves me back but as a man, his way of showing it sometimes lacks of subtlety. 

A couple of days ago, we were talking about future and random things when the topic eventually changed to wedding. His parents are divorced and this is something that truly upset him, even nowadays, 10 years after it happened. Their divorce has such a big impact on him that he doesn't believe in marriage anymore and doesn't see the point in it, which is understandable. But I do see the point and I really want it to happen one day. I do want to be his wife and change my name to his. Call me old-fashioned, but I want him to see me in a white dress and hear him say I do. 

Which brings me back to the conversation we were having and when I tried to explain to him that every person was different and it was up to us to make it work, he didn't seem that convinced. Obviously, this is not something that we can change overnight but it is very painful when you, then, say that you will love him forever, and his answer is a simple "I believe that". Slap me in the face and spit on me if you like, my ego and heart would have been less hurt by that. He did try to save it by saying he loved me a lot, but I just couldn't forget the fact that he wasn't able to tell me the same, that he wasn't sure if he would love me forever.

I'm scared of this constant threat that he might just stop loving me one day, that he just won't find me funny and interesting anymore, that he will want his freedom back and not have to worry about someone else but himself. I can't see my future without him and according to him, he doesn't his without me either but he can't tell me that he will love me forever. 
Love hurts, and I don't know if this is how it's meant to be. Does that make me stupid to hope that he will want me to be his wife one day? Does that make me an idiot to hope that he wishes for us to be forever together. 

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