I said "I'll love you forever", he replied "I believe that"

Love hurts. I don't know if that's the case for everyone but it is for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, which doesn't seem that long when you think about it. But two years are definitely long enough to make you fall in love deeply with someone and I do love him profoundly and devotedly. Now, I have no doubt that he loves me back but as a man, his way of showing it sometimes lacks of subtlety. 

A couple of days ago, we were talking about future and random things when the topic eventually changed to wedding. His parents are divorced and this is something that truly upset him, even nowadays, 10 years after it happened. Their divorce has such a big impact on him that he doesn't believe in marriage anymore and doesn't see the point in it, which is understandable. But I do see the point and I really want it to happen one day. I do want to be his wife and change my name to his. Call me old-fashioned, but I want him to see me in a white dress and hear him say I do. 

Which brings me back to the conversation we were having and when I tried to explain to him that every person was different and it was up to us to make it work, he didn't seem that convinced. Obviously, this is not something that we can change overnight but it is very painful when you, then, say that you will love him forever, and his answer is a simple "I believe that". Slap me in the face and spit on me if you like, my ego and heart would have been less hurt by that. He did try to save it by saying he loved me a lot, but I just couldn't forget the fact that he wasn't able to tell me the same, that he wasn't sure if he would love me forever.

I'm scared of this constant threat that he might just stop loving me one day, that he just won't find me funny and interesting anymore, that he will want his freedom back and not have to worry about someone else but himself. I can't see my future without him and according to him, he doesn't his without me either but he can't tell me that he will love me forever. 

Love hurts, and I don't know if this is how it's meant to be. Does that make me stupid to hope that he will want me to be his wife one day? Does that make me an idiot to hope that he wishes for us to be forever together. 

Oh, that need to write again...

I am back on this blog, and hopefully this time I will manage to be more consistent. Having said that, those past few months have been quite eventful for me, so much that there was just no way for me to sit down and write posts on here.

JOB

I spent loads of time working and focusing on working extra hard to get noticed by my management and I believe it worked out pretty well as I got a promotion. Even though it's not a dream job, I got promoted to Supervisor. Which implied a training and extra hours at work to get around everything I needed to learn.

Then Christmas came and it was like a super duper mad time. I work in Malmaison Reading hotel, in which we have a wonderful bar and brasserie so obviously, it got very busy with all the Christmas parties. It was tough and there were days where I was working from 7am to 10pm but it was all worth it as I also got an award from the company for my hard work. This was so rewarding and seriously encouraged me to carry on working hard.

CHRISTMAS

Fortunately, this madness eventually ended and I got to go back home in France. Icing on the cake, my boyfriend came with me to spend Christmas with me and my family. That was the first time he was coming in France with me and therefore, the first time he met my family. I'm not sure he enjoyed it too much when he ended up in a room with my 8 uncles and aunties, along with my 10 cousins. This was especially hard for him as he can't communicate with them at all, he doesn't speak French and never learnt. I have tried to teach him a little but he quickly gave up. Which isn't very promising for a future living in France. If anything, I think it comforted him in the fact he was better off staying in the UK, but we'll see about that in due time.

DOG

We have a dog! I told you that in a previous post, but since then it actually happened and we are now the proud owners of a fluffy Golden Retriever puppy. It's been hard work. In fact, it's been extremely hard work but that's what puppies are. There was no way things were gonna be easy. But he is learning a lot and training is going well. I probably will write a lot about him because my life seems to revolve around him. He's a baby after all, he requires a lot of attention and time, but I'm more than happy to as I love him to bits. Oh and by the way, his name is Woody. 

Selling your stuff on eBay

As I was telling you in my last post, my boyfriend and I are currently going through hard financial times as he just lost his job and I've just spent two months in a row not working. Fortunately enough, we aren't to the point that we can't afford food, or anything like that, but it definitely isn't easy as we need to buy a car in about two weeks.

So I had to make some decisions to find money and the hardest for me was to sell my stuff. I started with my collection of CDs. I know it probably sounds childish, but this was a very hard decision to make because the collection was dear to me. So this is how I sold my 300 CDs to MusicMagpie and I am now carrying on selling stuff on eBay.

I had never sold anything before on eBay, so this was completely new for me. I can't explain how happy I was when I realised the process was very easy. It has a lot of advantages, but I did find some bad points to it.

Bad points : 

• Fees. Although that sounds pretty fair to pay fees to be able to sell your stuff on their website, it's already annoying to know you're selling it for peanuts, but it is even more when a part of the money is going to eBay and Paypal.
• Buyers who take ages to pay. Although most buyers are serious and pay almost straight away, some others are really not bothered about paying. And obviously, that freezes the whole process since you can dispatch the item until it's paid. 
• You can't always sell internationally. For me, as a French person living in the UK, I found it pretty annoying that I couldn't sell my stuff in the UK because my eBay account was set in France. You need to have a minimum of sales within your country to be able to start selling abroad. Which I found very inconvenient as a lot of my stuff is French and would interest French buyers only (DVDs for example).

Good points :

• Easy. As I said, it's very easy to use and it's extremely convenient. You just fill in your advert, which you can do from any device (laptop, iPad, iPhone, anything that has internet basically) and you publish. Done! Altogether, it takes you about 5 minutes to post your ad, which is amazing.
• Once your item is sold, it's very quick and easy to post. When the buyer has paid you, you get a notification telling you it's done, and you have access to the buyer's address. All you need to do is dispatch the item and confirm it's done.
• Feedbacks. I love feedbacks, I like the fact that someone can tell whether you're a good seller or not. I personally base myself a lot on feedbacks when I buy something online. So that's why I find it important to be able to give and receive feedbacks. eBay let me do this, as a buyer and a seller, which is great as you can feedback someone who has never paid you or on the contrary, has been a great buyer.
• Sort your stuff. Although it is a bit heartbreaking for some items, at the end of the day it allows you to sort your stuff out. I had some many things which I was never using and were just standing in a corner gathering dust, so it's quite nice to get rid of them. I got to sell some clothes for example, which made space in my wardrobe.

I've been a bad blogger

I've been a bad blogger over the past couple of weeks, I just got completely overwhelmed with my new job, a quick return journey to France, old flatmates coming back in the UK to visit and my boyfriend loosing his job.

So far, my new job is going pretty well and it has been a very intense week for us. It is a brand new Starbucks store so we had to get everything ready for the opening and also find some time to deal with all the promotion and sampling to attract new customers. But altogether, it was pretty fun and very interesting to see the process of opening a coffee store. Plus, I really enjoy learning everything and being a barista is a proper art, not just a job.

I also had to bring my car back in France, which wasn't easy because I love my car. But it's a French car, and I could no longer insure it in the UK. This was a bit of a last minute thing as well, so I had to book some time off work and fortunately enough, my manager accepted. The good thing is that it allowed me to spend some days with my mother and sister, which was very nice as I don't see them very often in the year. It's terrible how I miss them. But I'm finally in a good place, in which I feel ok with the fact that I chose to move to a different country. But anyway, it was a long drive but hopefully I won't have to do it again for some time. 

Now. Let's go back to the subject.

I can't believe I let so much time since I last blogged. Life can be so hectic sometimes that I forgot how easy it is to get overwhelmed by things.

I feel like I don't have a proper routine yet and it gets difficult to balance work and personal life. It was especially hard when my boyfriend came back from work on monday and announced he got fired. Not the best time for this.

It wasn't his fault of course, and I supported him as soon as he told me. But at times when we're meant to buy a car and we had finally agreed on taking a dog, it definitely took us off-guard. Hopefully, things will sort themselves out and we can go back to our old quiet and happy life.

________________

FRANCAIS

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J'ai été une mauvaise blogueuse ces deux dernières semaines. Je me suis complètement laissée submerger par mon nouveau travail, un retour éclair en France, mes anciens colocataires qui sont venus me rendre visite en Angleterre et mon Jules qui a perdu son travail.

Jusqu'ici, mon nouveau travail se passe bien et cela a été une semaine vraiment intense pour nous. Il s'agit d'un tout nouveau café Starbucks donc on a dû travailler dur pour s'assurer que tout était prêt pour l'ouverture, sans oublier que nous devions aussi gérer toute la promotion pour attirer de nouveaux clients. Mais dans l'ensemble, c'était assez amusant et très intéressant de voir le processus derrière l'ouverture d'un café. En plus, j'adore apprendre tout sur le café et ça m'a fait réaliser qu'être barista est un art, pas seulement un job.

J'ai aussi dû ramener ma voiture en France, ce qui n'a pas été facile car j'adore ma voiture. Mais c'est une voiture française et je ne pouvais plus l'assurer en Angleterre. Tout ça est tombé un peu à la dernière minute, du coup j'ai dû prendre des jours de congé au boulot et heureusement, mon manager a accepté. L'avantage est que j'ai pu passer quelques jours avec ma mère et ma soeur, ce qui était vraiment sympa puisque je ne les vois pas souvent dans l'année. C'est incroyable comme elles me manquent. Mais au moins, je suis finalement OK avec le fait que j'ai décidé de déménager dans un autre pays et que je dois désormais y rester. Bref, j'avais donc une longue route à faire mais normalement, je n'aurais plus à la conduire avant un bout de temps.

Bref. Revenons à nos moutons.

J'ai du mal à croire que j'ai laissé passer autant de temps depuis mon dernier post. La vie devient parfois tellement mouvementée que j'en ai presque oublié à quel point il est facile de se laisser submerger par tout ça.

J'ai le sentiment de ne pas avoir de routine du tout et ça complique beaucoup les choses car je n'arrive pas à trouver un équilibre entre travail et vie personnelle. Cela n'a pas non plus arrangé les choses quand mon Jules est rentré du travail lundi dernier et m'a annoncé qu'il s'était fait virer. Pas au meilleur moment, j'ajouterai...

Ce n'était pas sa faute évidemment et je l'ai soutenu à la seconde même où il me l'a annoncé. Mais quand on sait que l'on est bientôt censé acheter une voiture et que l'on était enfin décidés à adopter un chien, tout ça nous a vraiment pris de court et va nous ralentir dans nos projets. Espérons que les choses s'arrangeront d'elles-mêmes et que l'on pourra vite retourner à notre train de vie tranquille et heureux.

We are getting a dog...

YES! 

Super awesome news, my boyfriend and I have officially decided to get a dog. After begging him for months, showing him some Youtube videos and hanging a Golden Retriever calendar on the fridge, he finally gave in and said it could be a good idea to welcome a little puppy in our home. 

So I am now looking everywhere on the Internet to find some good breeders in the area. As you may have guessed already, I want a Golden Retriever. I've always wanted one (like, ALWAYS!) and I almost bought one two years ago but eventually didn't because that's when I moved to the UK and wasn't sure of where I was going to be staying. Looking back on it, I'm glad I didn't because it gave some time to settle down, find a place, and now I also have my boyfriend with me.

Although I am extremely happy and excited, I have to admit I am a bit scared at the same time. It is a big commitment I am willing to make, in the sense that a dog is a massive responsibility. But it also is a strong commitment to have as a couple, and this is what scares me a bit. I'm scared that it's going to make us fight or make us become estranged from each other.

So these are things worrying me, but at the same time I believe it will be a very good test for us. After all, I was scared before moving in with my boyfriend and it turned out to be an excellent thing for us as a couple. So now that my hormones are playing up, I feel that it might a good way to see if it will ever be possible for us to have a baby someday. Because let's be honest, having a puppy will be the closest experience to having a baby.

I will keep you updated on our progress to finding our perfect puppy.

____________________

FRANCAIS

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OUI!

Méga super nouvelle, mon Jules et moi avons officiellement décidé d'adopter un chien. Après l'avoir supplié pendant des mois, lui montrer des tas de vidéos sur Youtube et accrocher un calendrier de Golden Retriever sur le frigo, il a finalement cédé et a admis que ce serait une bonne idée d'accueillir un petit chiot dans notre chez-nous.

Donc me voilà en train de rechercher partout sur Internet de bons éleveurs dans le coin. Comme vous l'avez surement déjà compris, je veux un Golden Retriever. J'en ai toujours voulu un (genre, TOUJOURS!) et j'en ai presque adopté un il y a deux ans mais ne l'ai finalement pas fait car c'était à l'époque où je venais d'apprendre que je partais travailler en Angleterre et je n'étais pas sûre de l'endroit où j'allais habiter. Quand j'y repense maintenant, je suis contente de ne pas m'être lancée puisque cela m'a permis d'avoir plus de temps pour m'installer, trouver un logement et j'ai désormais mon Jules avec moi.


J'ai beau être extrêmement heureuse et excitée à l'idée, je dois admettre que je suis aussi un peu inquiète. Après tout, il s'agit d'un engagement important dans le sens où un chien apporte de grandes responsabilités. Mais c'est aussi un fort engagement en tant que couple, et c'est ce qui m'inquiète un peu. J'ai un peu peur que cela nous pousse à nous disputer ou nous éloigne d'une certaine façon.

Donc ce sont les choses qui m'inquiètent, mais en même temps je pense qu'il s'agira d'une excellente épreuve pour nous. Après tout, j'avais peur avant d'emménager avec mon Jules et cela s'est avéré être une chose excellente pour nous. Alors maintenant que mes hormones font de leur siennes, j'ai le sentiment que cela sera un bon moyen de voir s'il sera jamais possible pour nous d'avoir un bébé un jour. Parce que soyons honnêtes, avoir un chiot sera l'expérience la plus ressemblante à celle d'un bébé.

Je vous tiendrai bien évidemment au courant de notre avancement dans nos recherches du parfait toutou.

Reprendre le travail après une pause de 2 mois

Going back to work after a 2 months break

(Scroll down to read the post in English)

Vous souvenez-vous de cet article que j'ai posté il n'y a pas si longtemps que ça? Bonne nouvelle, j'ai trouvé un travail! Il m'aura fallu beaucoup de patience, mais j'y suis arrivée, je suis désormais barista chez Starbucks. On ne peut pas non plus dire qu'il s'agisse du travail de mes rêves, mais en attendant, ça fera l'affaire. D'autant plus que c'est beaucoup plus compliqué qu'on ne le pense... Mais bref. Me revoilà donc au travail après deux mois à rester assise à la maison. Autant vous dire que ça fait un choc. 

Je viens de finir ma première semaine de formation et le plus dur a été de me recréer une routine. Ceci dit, le problème avec ce travail, c'est que les horaires varient énormément. Tu peux commencer à 6h du matin, comme à 14h, donc il est assez compliqué d'entrer dans une véritable routine mais c'est faisable. Je commence doucement à reprendre mes anciennes habitudes et je ne saurais vous dire à quel point cela me fait du bien. Ne pas travailler, c'est évidemment assez sympa d'une certaine façon mais ça vous donne beaucoup trop de temps pour réfléchir. Et quand je réfléchis trop, en général ça ne finit jamais sur une pensée positive. Le pire était surtout de me sentir inutile, je me sentais presque coupable de devoir rester à la maison pendant que mon Jules partait au boulot à 7h chaque matin. J'en suis arrivée à un point où je passais ma journée assise sur le canapé toute la journée, ne sachant absolument pas quoi faire pour m'occuper. 

Ce qui m'a poussé à me demander si j'allais me retrouver à nouveau dans cette situation le jour où je prendrai des congés de maternité. Mais quand je lis tous ces blogs de courageuses mamans, il n'y a vraiment pas besoin d'être Einstein pour voir qu'elles n'ont pas du tout le temps de s'ennuyer. Bien au contraire. Mais je me dis aussi que le retour au travail après un tel congé doit être mille fois plus délicat, car tu viens juste de passer plusieurs mois à porter un enfant, le mettre au monde et apprendre à vivre avec durant ses premiers mois... Je m'attends déjà à lâcher de nombreuses larmes le jour où cela m'arrivera. 

Quoiqu'il en soit, quand tu te retrouves à ne pas travailler pendant une période relativement importante, on s'y habitue plus vite qu'on ne le pense. Et si j'ai apprécié le simple fait de pouvoir reprendre le travail, j'ai physiquement eu beaucoup de mal à m'y remettre pleinement. Je me plaignais d'être fatiguée quand je ne bossais pas, mais alors autant vous dire qu'aujourd'hui, je suis absolument morte de fatigue. Au point où je suis bonne pour dormir à 20h tous les soir. C'est triste à 23 ans... Mais dieu que ça fait du bien de travailler. On a beau se plaindre, mais un travail apporte beaucoup sur le plan personnel. Et j'ai hâte de voir ce que la vie me réserve sur le plan professionnel. 

Je rêve personnellement de travailler dans l'événementiel, mais c'est loin d'être gagné. 

____________________

ENGLISH

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Do you remember this article that I posted not a long time ago? Good news, I have a job! It took me a lot of patience but I did it, I am now working as a barista for Starbucks. I can't really say that it's my dream job, but for now it's alright, it's good enough to pay my bills. All the more since it's way more complicated than it seems... But anyway. Here I am today, going back to work after spending two months sitting at home. One might as well say that it was a bit of a shock.

I've just finished my first week of training and the hardest was to make myself a new routine. Having said that, working hours for this job can vary a lot. You can start at 6am, or 2pm, it's never the same so it can be quite hard to organise a real routine, but it's manageable. I'm slowing starting to go back to my old habits and I can't say with words how good it feels. Being off-work is obviously quite nice in a way, but it gave way too much time to think. I actually over-think a lot, and it never ends on a positive thought for some reason. The worst for me was to feel useless. I was almost feeling guilty about having to stay at home while my boyfriend was leaving for work at 7am every morning. I almost got to the point where I was spending my days sitting on the sofa all day long, not knowing what to do anymore.

Which made me wonder if I was gonna end up in this situation again when the day I have to take a maternity leave will come. But then I read all these parenting blogs, written by brave mothers, and you really don't need to be Einstein to understand they don't have the time to get bored. Quite the opposite in fact. However, it makes me realise that going back to work after a maternity leave must be a thousand times harder, because you've literally just spent several months carrying a baby, giving birth to him/her and learn how to live with your baby during his/her first months. I am already expecting to be crying a lot when this day will come.

But whatever happens, when you spend a rather long period of time not working, you do get used to it very quickly. Even though I really appreciated the simple fact of being able to work again, I seriously struggled physically. I found it very hard to get back on track. I was complaining of being tired when I wasn't working, but I have to admit that today, I feel absolutely shattered. To the point that I find myself in bed at 8pm every evening since I started working again. Which is quite sad at 23 years old. But god it feels good to work. We may complain a lot about it, but a job brings so much on the personal plan. I just can't wait to see what life has in store for me on the professional plan. 

I personally dream of working in Event planning, but it's far from won.

Mesdames, que se cache-t-il dans votre sac à main?

Ladies, what do you carry in your handbag?

(Scroll down to read the article in English)

On dit que le sac à main d'une femme en dit beaucoup sur sa personnalité, et c'est très probablement vrai. Le mien change beaucoup en fonction de mes humeurs et de l'occasion pour laquelle je l'utilise. Mais on a toutes un certain nombre de choses que l'on retrouve absolument toujours dans notre sac à main, un peu comme s'il s'agissait de notre kit de survie.

Je vous invite donc à découvrir ce qui se cache dans le mien, et n'hésitez surtout pas à partager ce qu'il y a dans le vôtre!

• Un porte-monnaie : qui contient toutes mes papiers importants. Autant vous dire que si je le perds, je suis mal barrée. 
• Une paire de Ray-Ban : mes lunettes qui me sont fidèles depuis plusieurs années et que je ne changerais pour rien au monde. Elles sont d'une très bonne qualité et extrêmement confortable.
• Des bonbons : La plupart du temps, j'ai un paquet de chewing-gums pour les cas d'urgence, mais j'ai aussi très souvent des bonbons Love Hearts par pure gourmandise.
• Un petit miroir de poche : que j'ai utilisé une seule fois dans ma vie mais je le garde quand même. Sait-on jamais...
• Un stylo : l'outil indispensable pour tout le monde. On a tous besoin d'un stylo à un moment donné et on est bien contente de l'avoir à portée de main.
• Mes clés : de maison et de voiture.
• Ma pilule : Je ne pense pas que vous ayez besoin que je vous explique pourquoi j'ai ça dans mon sac.
• Un baume à lèvre : J'ai les lèvres très sèches, donc j'ai toujours un baume sur moi. Je prends toujours un Labello ou un Nivea, je trouve que ce sont les mieux et je les adore.
• Des écouteurs : Je me rends au travail en bus, donc ils sont là pour que je puisse écouter de la musique sur mon iPhone les matins.
• Un livre : Je suis actuellement en train de lire "Billy and Me" de Giovanna Fletcher. Je vous le conseille en passant.

Qu'en est-il pour vous? Que trouve-t-on dans votre sac à main?

__________________

ENGLISH

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It is commonly thought that a woman's bag says a lot about her personality and it's probably quite true. Mine changes a lot, depending on my moods and the occasion I am wearing it for. But we all have a certain amount of things that we systematically carry in our handbag, under any circumstances. It's a bit like it is our own survival kit.

So let me invite you to discover what's in mine, even though it has nothing exceptional, and don't hesitate to drop a comment to tell me what is in your own handbag!

• A purse : it contains all my important papers. One might as well say that I would get in real trouble if I were to loose it.
• A pair of Ray-Ban : I am very faithful to my sunglasses, I've had them for years and I absolutely love them. I wouldn't change them for anything in the world, they are great quality and very comfortable.
• Sweets : Most of the time, I only have a packet of chewing-gums for emergencies, but I also carry (more often than I should...) Love Hearts sweets. Just because I'm a bit greedy from time to time.
• A small pocket mirror : I have used it once in my life only but I'm still keeping it. Just in case, you never know...
• A pen : I think carrying a pen is essential for everyone. We all need one at some point in our everyday life and I am always happy to have one within reach.
• My keys : House and car keys obviously.
• Contraceptive pills : You probably don't need me to explain why I've got these in my handbag...
• A lip balm : I have very dry lips, so I need to have one at hand all the time. I always go for Labello and Nivea lip balms, I like everything about it.
• Earphones : I take the bus to go to work, so they are here to entertain me. I just plug them onto my iPhone, listen to music and temporarily forget about everything else.
• A book : When I'm not listening to music, I read. At the moment, I am reading a book from Giovanna Fletcher, it's called "Billy And Me". I actually would like to recommend it, it's really good.

And what about you? What do you normally carry in your bag?